HOW TO TAME YOUR EVIL TWIN PART II

Last month I quoted Jesus from The Gospel According to Thomas, where he says:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

I talked about the ruptured relationships and social injustices that can occur when we fail to “bring forth” the fears and biases hidden within ourselves and the dominant culture.

I also shared the concept of Alaya or “storehouse consciousness.” Alaya is like an ocean of unconscious kleshas (mental states that cloud the mind) that are individual, ancestral and collective. These below-the-radar thoughts, intentions and implicit biases shape our behavior.

When we are triggered, our kleshas abruptly emerge as thoughtless or cruel actions. Since most of us want to see ourselves as a “good” person at all costs, it is common to instantly forget these actions.

My own father exemplified this dynamic. He would abuse me late at night, then express caring and concern for me during daylight hours.

This instant-amnesia prevents us from making amends or changing our behavior, whereas unearthing our kleshas supports choice and agency.

Below I share some principles and practices to quicken this unearthing process, this “evil twin” taming process, for the sake of personal wellbeing, relational healing and social justice.

How To Unearth & Tame Your Evil Twin(s): Principles

 

Principle 1: Unearthing Takes a Lot of Energy

Some of the most helpful changes I have made in my life started with painful realizations that arose during a silent meditation retreat, where I had enough time–and more importantly, energy–for something new to emerge.

Make no mistake, self-archeology takes enormous energy. Retreat allows me to lean on the collective energy of a group that is focused on waking up, and on the steady energy of my teacher, who holds and encourages, goads and invites.

The retreat structure, which includes specific roles, schedules and collective meals, means I expend less energy than usual on logistics. The silence allows me to release the ordinary social interactions that consume so much energy. Every bit of that freed up energy is needed for practice.

Within this retreat container, profound excavations are possible. Some of the material I have discovered in myself while on retreat is so unthinkable, so unacceptable to my surface personality that I cannot keep it in my awareness unless I write it down. I cling to my pen and journal for dear life.

This, plus the sangha, teachings, silence and my teacher’s presence, ground me enough that I can stay with it, breathing, writing, crying, shaking, doula-ing this alarming newborn into daylight.

Principle 2: Unearthing Takes Curiosity and Compassion

As we saw last month, Anam Thubten suggests “inviting our hidden thoughts to tea.” This welcoming host attitude can prevent shame, and that’s a good thing, because that emotional *zing!* of shame distracts us from noticing our harmful thoughts and behaviors.

To gaze steadily at our evil twins requires curious and compassionate eyes.

Compassion develops our capacity to face and feel what we dread being or becoming. Curiosity helps us ask, “What makes me so fearful that I lash out?” Or, “Why does self-righteousness feel so intoxicating?”

If we cannot feel it–all of it–then we have no toehold to change it. Our evil twins will continue to ambush us and destroy what we care about.

Principle 3: Unearthing Takes Patience and Persistence

Potent *aha* moments do not happen everyday; they are sandwiched between mundane awareness practice. Transformation arises from “dojo style” learning, where you practice the same thing over and over, throughout your life.

We need to regularly set time and energy aside in order to keep evolving.

Even when *ahas* arrive, we tend to forget them. So we need reminders. We likely will have to encounter the same material again and again before can integrate that *aha* into daily life.

An Unearthing Story

Once near the end of a grueling week-long retreat, I encountered a particularly hard-to-grasp, hard-to-stay-with knot of kleshas. I needed to employ all three principles of big energy, curiosity/compassion and patience/persistence to process the experience.

I uncovered an unexpected, ancient, deeply rooted aversion to being in a human body. A disgust at being exiled on this planet. An anguished, arrogant refusal to be confined in material reality.

The experience was so intense it was frightening; the information almost too painful to receive. And ironic, since I am someone who encourages folks to “befriend your body, trust your body, be with it as it is.”

It was a shock for me to uncover within my own alaya such revulsion and contempt for the limitations of bodies. To find within myself such a huge NO to Life.

I had to work hard to stay with this and suspend my disbelief that I was harboring such attitudes, but once I was able to just be with it, I had a memory of “me” becoming form as I was conceived. This memory was traumatic.

I remembered thinking, “Why would anyone want to return to this quicksand swamp, where horrific things happen everywhere to everyone throughout their lives?”

This reclamation-process was not fun. It was hard work. Yet it stretched me in a positive way. I felt an empathy and tenderness for us matter-bound humans that remains with me and enriches my work with people.

And I have noticed that since that experience, I am inhabiting my body more fully, and enjoying this earthly life more and more. Embracing that contemptuous “evil twin” has relaxed its grip on me.

How to Unearth & Tame Your Evil Twin(s): Practices*

 

Setting Intentions

Intentions are powerful tone-setting practices. You can link your declared intentions to something or someone you care about. Here are some intention examples:

  • Set the intention to gradually and steadily unearth the attitudes and fears that lie within you.
  • Each day, choose to take responsibility for your thoughts and emotions.
  • Establish a host attitude, and welcome your hidden negative beliefs to come to the surface.
  • Give yourself permission to feel taboo feelings, think taboo thoughts, and commit yourself to bear witness to them. 
  • Make a commitment to honor and express your unearthed kleshas without harming anyone, including yourself. Embracing and celebrating kleshas sucks the poison out of them. (Check out the final practice in this list.) 

Body Scans

1) Take time each day to sit or lie quietly and scan your body with your breath. When you find places where your breath catches, keep your attention there, breathing gently until the “catch” softens. You can also hum into the catches until they soften.

2) Scan your body for areas of muscular tightness; notice the sensations in these areas. Silently say “yes” to the contractions, thank them for their efforts, and move on. You can also hum into the contractions until they soften.

Meditation

According to Anam Thubten, “calm abiding” meditation enables us to become aware of our concealed, deeply rooted tendencies.

Other Somatic Practices

1) TRE or Trauma Release Exercises are designed to heal trauma stored in the body https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5YJY6hRW-I without needing to talk about or mentally revisit the trauma. What a relief to be able to bypass our thinking mind!

I have found that these exercises also release other energies stored in the body, and I suspect this practice has the potential to unearth deeply rooted fears and negative beliefs.

You can learn TRE from this DVD: http://www.namastepublishing.com/products/dvd/revolutionary-trauma-release-process/978189723

2) Project whatever is emerging onto an object in the room. (I often use my ficus tree; she doesn’t mind.) Start with your back turned to it, and very, very gradually, start turning towards it, as if you are about to look at it directly. All the while, feel your sensations.

If it becomes too intense, pause and feel your sensations. Give yourself permission to stop the practice at any point.                            

                             
Continue the practice if it feels okay, stopping at any point(s) it becomes too much. You may or may not end up directly facing what is emerging the first few times you do this.  Do not pressure yourself to “arrive.”What you discover during the practice is far more important than“completing” it.If what is emerging feels too big or scary, you might want to wait and have a friend or therapist with you when you do this.

Practices to Try When Something Barely Bearable Emerges

1) Self talk can be helpful. You can tell yourself:

  • Whatever emerges is my lifeforce—it is me. I am therefore big enough to meet it.
  • This emerging form is–at its heart–neutral energy, however camouflaged or misshapen it has become. I can learn how to move this energy through or out of my body.
  • 2) Practice compassionately holding and soothing yourself and your sensations until you get really good at it. (You might imagine a bigger-than-you version of you is embracing your body/mind.)
  • Then, use this practice when you have a strong aversion to what is emerging. For example, you could compassionately “hold” the part of you that is saying, “No! This cannot be so! I despise it!” or, “No! This cannot be in me or of me!”
  • 3) Try to externalize and express whatever is emerging. Get it outside of you, and give it all the room it needs by singing, dancing, drawing, journal writing, screaming silently, humming.
  • Make sounds or movements that match your internal experience or sensations. Or make a collage of one or more of your “evil twins,” and have fun with it! Externalizing and expressing can be both grounding and illuminating.

 
*Special Note: If you are struggling with mental health challenges right now, or struggling every day just to survive or stay grounded, it is probably not the appropriate time to invite hidden kleshas to emerge.

It is wise to wait until your life has stabilized and you have steady, reliable support. I recommend that you consult with your therapist, psychiatrist or spiritual advisor before you engage the intentions and practices I have described.
 


Much gratitude to Phyllis Pay, Denise Benson, Anam Thubten, and my courageous clients, who continually teach me.
To schedule an in person or remote appointment with Dr. Tarakali, go to www.vanissar. com

TAKEN UNDER WING: BIRD ENERGY MEDICINE FOR HEALING & TRANSFORMATION

An experiential workshop on Monday, June 29: 7-9:30 pm in Rockridge, North Oakland

Dr. Tarakali’s lifelong relationship with birds recently took a surprising turn. She was inspired (badgered, actually) by her bird friends (the “Bird of Directors” or “Advisory Birds”) to create 16 essence tinctures called Taken Under Wing.

Similar to Rescue Remedy, bird essences are energy medicine, in this case the channeled energy of specific birds, including parrots, owls and raptors.

Each Taken Under Wing  tincture embodies a unique aspect of avian wisdom that the bird friends are eager to share with humans (and other beings) to support healing and transformation.

You can find descriptions of the essences below.

 

In this workshop we will use guided meditation and intuitive readings to deepen your relationship with birds and bird medicine. 

Participants will have the opportunity to sample the essences to directly experience bird energy medicine.

If you like, Dr. Tarakali and the “Advisory Birds” will select an appropriate essence for your temperament and situation. 

Space is limited
Workshop Cost: $55

Your workshop fee covers the workshop plus the bird essence of your choice.


To register, contact Dr. Tarakali at 
vanissar@cs.com
or (510) 594-6812.

********************************************************

TAKEN UNDER WING BIRD ESSENCES

Each Taken Under Wing  tincture embodies a unique aspect of avian wisdom that the bird friends are eager to share with humans (and other beings) to support healing and transformation.

The 16 essences (made from bird essences, 80% spring water, and 20% raspberry or pear infused brandy) include: 

Nourishing Partnership (parrot medicine): for balanced, reciprocal relationships.

Slow Down (eagle medicine): for grounding that embodies vast expansiveness into vast depths.

Badass Female (hawk medicine): for unapologetic, relaxed, ferocious feminine power (for all genders).

Agency-in-Disability (parrot medicine): to access agency/joy within circumstances of chronic pain, illness or disability.

Altar Eagle: for moving back and forth seamlessly between ordinary life/tasks and visionary, big picture activities and experiences.

Hunter-Healer (owl medicine):  for healers and self-healers, enhances the ability to gently and precisely discern subtle wounds and root sources of trauma and illness.

Liberation Beyond Form (parrot medicine): support to release old identities and ways of being after the death of a loved one or the dissolution of a familiar relationship, job, home, etc.

Good Death (parrot medicine): for a loving, connected dying process that unfolds on your terms.

Preening (parrot & raptor medicine): for meditation, re-aligning body/mind/spirit with your nature and the universe, bestowing blessings with your presence.

Adorable Owl: allowing yourself to be adored; radiant self-love that invites others to experience their adorableness.

Taken Under Wing (parrot medicine): for healthy, evolving mentor/mentee and parent/child relationships.

 

BRING FORTH WHAT IS WITHIN YOU (or HOW TO TAME YOUR EVIL TWIN) PART I

I want to write about self-ignorance.
Self-ignorance is ordinary and potentially destructive:

Ordinary because we all harbor unknown beliefs and attitudes; Potentially destructive because this unexplored territory is filled with landmines.

I believe Jesus is talking about self-ignorance in The Gospel According to Thomas, where he says:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

I am prone to self-ignorance as much as anyone, but the first time I identified its destructive power, it was at work in someone else. A few months after my mother died in 2011, my dear friend of 25 years—a consistently supportive, compassionate friend–dropped me.

My friend Risa (as I will call her), had taught me to embrace human complexity and contradiction.

But now she accused me of falsely grieving the loss of my mother. With eloquent zeal, she wrote to me, “We have always hated our mothers! You cannot be suffering her loss. You are either lying or deluding yourself.” She demanded that I admit that I was not in pain about my mother’s death.

I hadn’t known what to expect from the grieving process, but now that I was in it, I let it unfold without censorship. I told Risa this. I wrote to her that, as far as I could tell, the root-shaking fear and sadness was real.

I asked her to respect that I was being authentic, and doing what I needed to do.  In her (final) response to me, she said it was time for us to part ways. She refused any further contact.

Wow. I did not know this ruthless, judgmental Risa. It was as if a stranger had hijacked her.

Whatever was going on with her made her willing to lose our precious shared history. And so I met the destroyer aspect of self-ignorance.

I now know that when we come up against something that is intolerable to feel, we will do anything to avoid feeling it—anything. Even discard a longstanding friendship.

Somehow my response to my mother’s death caused Risa to feel something she couldn’t tolerate. She had to get rid of me.

I lost my mom and my close friend that year. Ironically, Risa made certain that I had something “authentic” to grieve about.

Something similar happened recently with a beloved neighbor. I was dealing with a crisis, and she took it personally. For her, my crisis was “too close to home.” She was terrified that my misfortune would rub off, even though this was extremely unlikely.

She showed up at my door on the second day of my crisis.
I was exhausted and overwhelmed, wondering if I could endure the marathon of challenges before me. In this vulnerable state I opened the door to my kind neighbor.

But my kind neighbor launched into a tirade of righteous scolding. She blamed my crisis on my “irresponsible” actions and pronounced our friendship at risk. She said, “This is a dealbreaker.”

Her words struck me down. She did not seem to notice me crouching on the floor, trying not to faint.

Where was my empathic, helpful neighbor? Who was this mean stranger? Nothing in her manner conveyed even the most basic recognition of my humanity or situation.

She finished condemning me and left.

I deliberately avoided my neighbor after that. I was trying to protect my heart and save my emotional energy for the difficult weeks ahead.

Eventually I ran into her, and she said she had missed me, and hoped that our friendship could “get back to normal” once my crisis was resolved. She did not apologize for her tirade, nor she did she offer any comfort or assistance.

I blurted out my doubts that our friendship could ever go back to what it was; her words had hurt my feelings so terribly. She seemed confused to hear this. Offended. As if she had no memory of how cruel she had been.

is true that my kind neighbor did not deserve my mistrust. But my cruel neighbor did.

Thinking of her as two personas, Kind Neighbor and her evil twin, Cruel Neighbor, helped me make sense of her behavior.

What do I mean by evil twin?
I mean what Jesus meant when he said: “If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

Destroy you, or your relationships.

Given the right stimulus, such as being profoundly triggered, your deeply buried fears and beliefs can erupt in harmful actions.

Afterwards, if you are invested in seeing yourself as a “good person” at all costs, you will likely minimize or forget how you acted (or failed to act). That hidden version of you will slip back into the shadows until the next time.

In this sense, we all have evil twins.

We can reclaim and re-purpose our evil twins.

It is in the best interest of ourselves and everyone around us to practice acknowledging, feeling and owning the hidden aspects of ourselves.

The kind of “owning” that I recommend is not the same as solidifying oneself into a static identity of an “evil” or “good” person. Although the expression “evil twin” sounds like the name for a “real” persona, I mean it half humorously.

I believe we are fluid, uncategorizeable beings. And we are choiceful beings. We can set the intention to bring what is unconscious into consciousness to minimize harm to ourselves and others.


DANGEROUS & DEADLY

If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you can be dangerous and even deadly. This holds true for communities as well as individuals.

I will speak now of my own white community/communities.
The majority of white people in North America live racially segregated lives.

This segregation prevents most white communities from witnessing firsthand the predictable, brutal treatment by police of Black and brown people. “Business as usual” policing of Black and brown people looks like habitual disrespect and disruption,torture and murder.

Police “business as usual” for white people looks very different. My experience is typical for a white woman. While I do not feel at ease with the police, my lived experience has not led me to expect that the police will gun me down if I reach for my wallet or run away. There is a vast gulf between white andBlack (and Native American and Latino) communities’ direct experience with police departments.

This combination of structural segregation and starkly different treatment by police disconnects white communities from communities of color. This double disconnect feeds the collective white self-ignorance about how our own privileged treatment co-arises with the mistreatment of Black people and people of color.

As James Baldwin wrote in 1963 in The Fire Next Time:   “Whatever white people do not know about Negroes reveals, precisely and inexorably, what they do not know about themselves.”

Thus we see the white consensus mind throughout North America has been expressing outrage over (a minority of) protesters’ vandalism and property damage, instead of outrage over the severing of a Black man’s spine, or the taking of a Black life.

If you are invested in seeing yourself as a good person at all costs, you tend to disavow or forget your unkind actions. If we are invested in seeing the justice system that serves the white community as benevolent at all costs, we tend to overlook the casual cruelty inflicted by police on communities of color. Instead, we blame the victim. White folks like me habitually turn our backs on what is being done in our name, and allow brutality to carry on in our collective shadow.

If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you.

Black activists and their allies in Ferguson, Baltimore, Oakland and other places are bringing forth what is within the North American policing system.

These activists are bringing into the light the hidden (hidden only to white people) everyday police attitudes-in-action that demean and destroy people of African descent. This consciousness raising is a profound gift to all of us. Bringing forth what is within our communities will save us.

Implicit Bias

Implicit bias is another aspect of self-ignorance. Implicit bias means unconsciously harboring bias and stereotypes against a stigmatized group, such as women, Black people, people with disabilities, etc.

I find implicit racial bias in myself. It pops out of me at the slightest stimulus—for example, if I am in public, and I see a Black person I do not know, I often catch myself checking to see if my wallet is zipped.

Implicit bias is inculcated in childhood. When I was around age seven my father told me that my Ugandan friend Aggie, who was staying with my family, was a liar and a cheat.

As adults we have the power to act out implicit bias in harmful ways, some of us by how we teach students or treat patients, and some of us by how we wield a badge, taser and gun. Some of us present biased news stories.

Bringing forth the implicit racial bias that is within white communities is a life and death matter. What can we do about it?

My Buddhist teacher, Anam Thubten describes something similar to implicit bias: “There is a whole ocean of thoughts and intentions below our awareness that influences our actions and words. In the Mahayana Buddhist tradition, this “ocean” is called Alaya, or storehouse consciousness.

According to Anam Thubten, the remedy for these hidden motivations is meditation. Indeed, the whole purpose of meditation is to become aware of our concealed, deeply rooted tendencies.

As Anam Thubten says, we need to “Invite our hidden thoughts to tea.”

There is some scientific evidence that mindfulness can transform implicit racial bias.

Dealing with that ocean of hidden tendencies is a lifelong, perhaps many lifetimes long process. We cannot expect to catch all of it.

Anam Thubten explains that the “storehouse consciousness” is vast, like an iceberg of unconscious kleshas (mental states that cloud the mind) that are individual, ancestral and collective. Kleshas are meant to be unearthed, acknowledged and digested.

This long-term process of inquiry and purification requires enormous compassion, patience and humor. But we can do our best, and begin now. The stakes are too high not to.

Next month I will share some tools to quicken this unearthing process, for the sake of personal and relational healing and social justice.

You can schedule a somatic and intuitive coaching appointment or find out more about Dr. Vanissar Tarakali at www.vanissar.com

 

LIVING WITH “I DON’T KNOW”

Sooner or later, we get to live intimately with “I don’t know.” Perhaps you are in one of those situations right now:

* You don’t know where you will be living next month.

* Finances teeter between prosperity and disaster. It could go either way.

* You have debilitating symptoms, and no diagnosis.

Periods of uncertainty can last for days, weeks, months, or years:

* The one you love is gravely ill…but they might get better.

* You are enduring an ordeal, with no end in sight.

* You are waiting for your court date. Waiting for justice.

I am not talking about situations where resolution is around the corner. I am talking about not knowing what will happen, not knowing what to do, not having enough information, day after day:

* Maybe your old vocation has fallen away, and no new one has emerged.

* Your body is covered in mysterious bites for weeks.

* Or your consciousness has changed in lovely and frightening ways: you no longer recognize, cannot even locate your “self.”

Here’s you, in limbo.

Certainly there are actions you can take to give you a focus. But you still must wait. You wait, fearful or bored, empty or peaceful.

I don’t know about you, but I do not tolerant uncertainty well. I always want to know, “What is happening? and, “When is it going to be over?!?”

Well let’s assume, dear reader, that “You Are Here.” Standing at “I don’t know.”

How to be with this? Of course, you will do whatever you do, and time will pass. Things will change. You can look back later and tell yourself, “This is how I got through.”

But what about right now?

It can be helpful to realize you have entered a new reality. Prolonged uncertainty initiates us into a realm of paradox and contradiction.

Mystics, poets, artists and physicists are the best guides through this realm.

So I am going to share some of their resources that helped me navigate those endless dark nights.

When there is nothing to cling to, we can still cling to poems, songs, our breath, our bones, the wind on our skin, sunlight on water.

Maybe a couple of these offerings will speak to your situation.

POEMS
“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

              The Dark Night (St. John of the Cross)

One dark night, fired with love’s longings—ah, the sheer grace!–I went out unseen, my house being now all stilled. In darkness, and secure, by the secret ladder, disguised,- ah, the sheer grace! – in darkness and concealment, my house being now all stilled. On that glad night in secret, for no one saw me, nor did I look at anything, with no other light or guide than the One that burned in my heart.

 [The entire poem is here: http://onetruename.com/StJohn.htm ]
SONGS
Throw it Away (Abbey Lincoln)  

 

“And when I’m in a certain mood I search the halls and look. One night I found these magic words In a magic book. . . Throw it away! Throw it away. Give your life, give your love, Each and every day. And keep your hand wide open. Let the sun shine through. ‘Cause you can never lose a thing If it belongs to you…“

 

We’re Only Getting Started (Buffy Sainte-Marie)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9nXU_AtwSM

http://www.metrolyrics.com/getting-started-lyrics-buffy-saintemarie.html

Thumb-hand, human band
Can understand
Out among the far locations that the
Music’s Heaven-sent we can
Fly on instruments
Beyond our isolation and

That’s okay
No it’s not the way it could be but
That’s okay
Here and now it’s how it is and
That’s okay
It’s pretty good for kindergarten and
That’s okay
Come on, we’re only getting started

 

Tore Down a la Rimbaud (Van Morrison)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsIzj7235i0

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/v/van+morrison/tore+down+a+la+rimbaud_20142924.html

Showed me pictures in the gallery
Showed me novels on the shelf
Put my hands across the table
Gave me knowledge of myself.
Showed me visions, showed me nightmares
Gave me dreams that never end
Showed me light out of the tunnel
When there was darkness all around instead.

Tore down a la Rimbaud
And I wish my message would come
Tore down a la Rimbaud, you know it’s hard some time
You know it’s hard some time.

 

Hour Follows Hour   (Ani Difranco)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stHthzch3ms

 

NON-DUAL SCRIPTURE
The Heart Sutra (Mahayana Buddhism)

 

http://plumvillage.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/2014-Thich-Nhat-Hanh-New-Heart-Sutra-letter-cc.pdf

 

The Gospel According to Thomas (Gnostic Christianity)

“Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All.”

 

Machig Lapdron’s Chod Practice (Nyingma Buddhism):

“I the fearless yogini who practices, in order to unify nirvana and samsara…Understanding the true condition, I commit myself to go beyond hope and fear.”

 

 

YOUR BREATH & YOUR BONES
We can also find support within our own bodies.

This breathing practice helps the body digest paradox and contradiction:
As you breathe in, silently say “yes;” as you breathe out, silently say “no.”
Do this several times and notice your body’s mood and sensations.

 

Bones Meditations can be reassuring:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJWAaJ75N3E

 

QUANTUM PHYSICS QUOTES

I hope you found something helpful here…

Maybe reading this has reminded you of songs, stories or practices that have helped you through your own periods of “I don’t know.”

If you would like to share them with me, I will post them next month.

As more of us learn to relax within–or at least tolerate–“I don’t know,” we increase the collective creativity that our times call for.

We members of this “thumb-hand human band” as Buffy Sainte-Marie calls us, are living in prolonged uncertainty.

Here we are in this vast desert of unknowing, watching the planetary and human climates heat up, ignite, perhaps to spiral out of control…

Many people have pointed out that we now need completely new solutions and paradigms. We need all the metaphoric wisdom we can get.

Perhaps your journey into the unknown is, even now, unearthing blessings for us all.

Much gratitude to my clients and students, who have shared their vulnerable stories of immersion in uncertainty.

Many thanks to those fellow travelers whose writings and songs about their own dark nights have kept me going through mine.

Blessings

Vanissar

 

The Power of a Simple Yawn

I consider myself to be a student of yawning.
I believe we underestimate the importance of yawns.
When my coaching clients yawn, it is often a sign that something significant is happening.

It could be that a shift in perception or understanding is occurring.

Or that a deeply embedded body story is finally being heard.

Sometimes I verbally acknowledge what a client’s body is expressing.

I might say something like, “I notice your shoulders shifted–I wonder if they have something to say about _______?”

And then my client may have a moment of recognition, accompanied by a yawn.

Sometimes when a client listens deeply to their sensations, they discover something that their body has been trying to tell them for a long time.

And then they yawn and yawn.

Many somatic “aha” moments are followed by a series of yawns, perhaps to punctuate the moment, perhaps to midwife it. Or both.

Unwinding

Somatic unwinding means restoring fluidity to the body so that energy and emotions can move with ease and purpose.

Our wise animal bodies use all kinds of ways to unwind and let go, including yawning. We can trust our body’s natural impulse to yawn.

Sadly, yawns are considered impolite or inappropriate, especially if they continue longer than a few seconds.

It amazes me how thoroughly cultural norms of politeness in North America obstruct unwinding.

In the case of yawning, people nearby usually ask us if we are bored or tired. Maybe that is why most of my clients try to stifle their yawns.

Did you know that when you yawn, you release tension stored in your jaw, throat, lips, palate, ears, and even your chest and scalp?

A series of yawns can create profound relaxation in the chest, throat and face.

Yawning Before Talking

The practice of allowing yawns, especially full, wide-open yawns, is so rare that I have developed a slogan for my clients: “Yawning before talking.”

By this I mean, when a yawn shows up, it is time to drop everything and let as many yawns come as want to.

I have found that when we allow ourselves to yawn as many times as we need to, the jaw opens wider and wider. The eyes may water.

Each yawn becomes softer and easier. The mind might quiet down.

Over weeks or months, your jaw muscles can soften. You may stop grinding your teeth.

This is true softening, true unwinding. All this potential healing is present in our yawns, and it is free.

I encourage us all to allow the yawning process, as often as we can.

LET BE BE FINALE OF SEEM

Thank goodness for my wise body.

I still “check-out” from my body at times. It is an old habit, born from early trauma. When a kid suffers every day, with no chance of escape, dissociation is an intelligent response.

Dissociation means turning off your sensations, muting your animal aliveness.

Like many trauma survivors, I tend to vacate my body when I am triggered. Sometimes for a moment; sometimes for days on end.

Recently, I endured a nightmarish 4+ hour dentist visit that regressed me to a miserable state—that bleak place where I lived as a child. Without registering it, I left my body.

At the time I believed I was in touch with my body. I used appropriate somatic and self-care language to talk to myself:

“Okay, I am triggered, so I need to restore safety to my body.  I have to do soothing things to reassure my animal body that it is safe.”

And I promised my traumatized (inner) kid:  “I will never take you to that dentist again.”

This was wise self-talk. I needed to follow it through. I needed to:

treat myself with kindness;

permit myself to feel small and scared;

take hot baths, do restorative yoga, hide in bed, cuddle with a friend;

carefully screen the input and energy that I let it into my space.

I needed to do all of the above, patiently and consistently, day after day. Week after week, if necessary.

Beyond Checked-out

Instead, I did some of it–for a couple of days.  Then I stopped.
I figured I was fine.

I was not fine; I was numb.

Completely checked out.

And stuck in mistrustful, pessimistic thought loops.

Gradually this experience became an identity:  I am depressed. I am a victim. I am snarky. What’s the matter with me?

Meanwhile, my body tried to get my attention: my jaw clamped up. My guts were in knots. A migraine. Terrible back pain. My body’s way of insisting that it had information for me.

It took me weeks to notice that I was *still* reacting to the dental experience. Underneath my “numb,” I felt trapped and helpless, invaded and alone.

I fought this realization, because I did not want it to be so. I “should” have gotten over the dentist by now!

Eventually I let go of my “should” and surrendered to the “what is” of my body. What a relief!

I took those baths, did the yoga, allowed that fear. I dropped my recovery deadline. It felt right. I grieved. I hid. Slowly, I thawed out.

We humans get lost in our thoughts. It is crucial to catch up to the flesh and blood reality. To align our stories and identities with “what is”–what actually is–in the body.

Then healing can happen. Unwinding can happen.

Once I did this, my suffering gradually softened and lightened.

And then—have you ever done this?—I got stuck again, but in a different way.

Somehow I turned that hard-won realization of my body’s truth into a static “thing.”  I created a new static identity. In my mind, I was still the person freaked out by the dentist.

Like an eraser endlessly rubbing out a pencil mark until there’s a hole in the paper, I kept re-making that identity of helplessness.

While my mind ran that program, my body waited for me to check in with “what is.”

Luckily, I am a somatic coach.

One afternoon, I modeled a centering practice for a client. I invited them to tune into their somatic “depth” by placing one hand in front and one in back of their solar plexus.

As I put my hand on my stomach, I felt a warm substance. I “saw” golden energy forming the image of a broad-pawed lioness. She was—I was—robust. Confident. Huh? Was this “me?”

Yep, this was me. Oh.

sunset_2

Let Your Body Surprise You

When we habitually “check-out” from the body, the return always brings surprises.

Usually we notice the unpleasant surprises first, like when my body told me that I had NOT yet recovered from the dentist.

When we finally check-in with the body, we might comment, “Wow, I did not realize my neck was so tight!”

Or,

“Huh. My body feels small and exposed. I did not know.”

These little “ahas” are not fun. They are sometimes so unpleasant that we are tempted to never check-in with our bodies again.

That would be tragic, because our bodies carry our power and creativity.

Re-inhabiting the body after trauma is like that pins and needles feeling when your foot has been asleep—quite uncomfortable, but well worth it to get your foot back.

Trauma takes away our sense of power to act and create.

The path to reclaiming that agency and creativity is through thawing out, waking up to the aliveness of our sensations.

Along the way we re-discover the reasons we fled our bodies in the first place. We face the fear or grief we could not bear to feel during the trauma.

All of this can be overwhelming. We may fear the pain will swallow us up, as it did when we were harmed and not helped.

But those truths are stale–they belong to the time of the trauma. “What is” is a fresh truth.

This is a new day, and your body has more resources than it did back then.

It is worth the discomfort to re-inhabit and reclaim your body.

There are resilient areas in our bodies—even in the most traumatized bodies–that are waiting for us to notice them:

Strong, sturdy legs;
Serene, relaxed bellies;
Curious, wiggly feet;
Kind, capable hands.

When we get close enough to explore our body sensations, we discover built-in stability in our bones. Gentleness in our gaze.

When we connect directly with our bodies, we encounter not only unpleasant surprises, but lovely surprises as well.

Have you ever purposefully touched your head? Have you ever squeezed your skull bones, gently and firmly?

The first time I did this. I was amazed at how fine-boned and small my skull actually was! My mind’s picture of my head was completely different.

As I held my round, compact skull, as I pressed my jaw and cheekbones, I felt appreciation and tenderness. What a delicate creature I was!

Suddenly the “annoying” lifelong hypersensitivity of my body and temperament–to foods and environments, to people and their energies–made so much sense!

I felt the vulnerable and solid “critter-ness” of my body. Fondness arose in me toward that critter.

And I realized how often I disconnect from the basic reality of my body.

Maybe my body is suffering, and I am trying to avoid feeling that.

Maybe my body is relaxed, and that does not fit my picture of myself.

My mind chatters away, telling its stale, day-old stories and missing the truth of the moment, the truth of this ever-changing body.

I hear similarly surprised observations from my clients when I invite them to really be with their sensations–not just to “think-feel” but to “feel-feel.”

They say things like, “Wow, my hip bones are really strong! I think of myself as a “pushover,” but my hip bones do not feel that way at all! They want to stand their ground!”

Wallace Stevens wrote, “Let be be finale of seem. The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.” I do not claim to know what he meant, but to me it says,

“Let what is—what actually is—melt the illusions we project onto our bodies and our selves. Let’s trust our senses over our stories.

And not just trust, but enjoy our aliveness.

Otherwise, we miss so much!

While I told myself I was still depressed, backsliding, resentful, hopeless, etc., blah, blah, blah…

…my solar plexus was busy being sunny and substantial; my head was fine and sturdy, my bones were precise and graceful.

And when I sat in silence, I felt a canyon of peace open beneath me.

Wow! I had no idea.

I had too many ideas.

This body, this being called Vanissar carries on, a mystery.
An unknowable mystery.

All of us are mysteries, no matter how much we try to cram ourselves into narrow lives with our narrow stories.

I invite you to discover the living truth of your body, here and now. Look at your hands and really see them. Close your eyes and move your hips. Really feel the movement.

Touch your head. What is the texture? Instead of thinking about what the texture is, be in it. Now listen to your breath or your voice as you hum or whisper. Let the vibrations brush your ears,  your throat.  

Surprise yourself.

SOMATIC LESSONS FROM A YOUNG PARROT

Zee HH

Those of you who have experienced my Somatic and Intuitive Coaching work know I believe that a sense of safety in the body is the foundation both for healing trauma and practicing new ways of being.

Somatic safety means giving your body experiences of feeling protected and/or able to take care of itself.

My avian assistant Zee has taught me alot about the “containment” or “holding” aspect of somatic safety.

Containment means giving your body a feeling of being held, of having a sense of boundary. With containment, emotions and sensations have a somatic beginning and end. They shift from “overwhelming” to manageable.

You can give yourself this experience with or without props.

With Props: you can use blankets, pillows, eyebags or sandbags, a wall, the floor or water to give your body a sense of being held.

You could put a sandbag on your chest, or hide under a pile of pillows, get in a warm bath and feel the water holding your skin, or wrap yourself in blankets.

You can wear a thick scarf or hoodie and feel the coziness. Notice which parts of your body like being held the most, and notice how you feel when you allow yourself to really rest inside that holding.

Without Props: you can push your arms against your sides; push your legs together; cradle your arm(s) around your head. Do each of these gently but firmly for five seconds, then pause and repeat.

Or you can lie down and push your feet against a wall, noticing your length from head to toe, feeling where you begin and end.

Certain breathing practices, such as counting the length of your inhalations and exhalations (ie. “In, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2, 3, 4.”), or silently labeling the “beginning,” “middle” and “end” of a breath cycle, can also support containment.

To see if a containment practice works for you, try it out a few times, and pay attention to your body’s feedback—is it a “yes” a “no” or a “maybe?” If it is a yes, invite yourself to practice it every day.
 

Bedtime
My baby parrot Zee has shown me how essential a sense of safety is for healthy development. 

Here Zee is demonstrating his favorite “With Props” containment method: hiding in his fuzzy “happy hut.”

Sometimes Zee feels exposed, like when a big seagull or crow flies by our window. Parrots, like all prey animals, are ever-vigilant of predators.

Zee can also be timid when he meets a new person. He needs to gather his courage to explore a new object or area (such as his tree-playground).

Often during these vulnerable moments, he darts into his cozy “happy hut.”

Zee has so far lived a trauma-free life. It is not trauma that makes him cautious about new experiences. It is natural for him to hide, peek his head out slowly, retreat, and eventually emerge and explore.

Exploring includes many “happy hut” interludes. When Zee has had enough, risked enough, he returns to his refuge to rest and digest until curiosity draws him out again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3UjDni5Hhg

Parrots’ heads—especially their ears–get itchy. They can scratch their heads with their feet, but it is not as nice as having another bird preen them.

The first time I saw Zee scratching his head, I reached out to scratch it for him. He chittered and snapped at me, ferocious as a mini dragon. He did not yet trust my hands.

But later, he scurried into his fuzzy hut, poked his head out and nudged my fingers. This was my cue, and he let me scratch his head a little bit. Zee felt insulated enough by the happy hut to risk me touching his vulnerable head.

As the days passed, he allowed me to scratch his head more and more. Nowadays, he lets me give him “cuddles” out in the open, far away from his happy hut! He just needed to take his time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55JME0rLiq8&list=UUVzR1C-MR3zxibvq1vusoyg

We are biologically similar to Zee and other baby animals. We need a baseline of safety and holding in order to explore and risk and trust. 

All of us need to take it slow, and sometimes retreat. The dance of two steps forward, one step back is integral to healthy development.

This holds true even more when we are healing from personal or social trauma.

Our bodies have a natural need for steady holding, and a natural rhythm of retreating and exploring, contracting and expanding.

When we respectfully collaborate with this body rhythm, we are able to sustain each little victory of growth and healing. Our once narrow world expands–sustainably.

Zee reminds me of this every day. If I try to push him past his safety zone, he gives me a big “No” by acting out, or hiding in his hut.

When I drop my agenda, I am more able to notice when he has “had enough” and when he is ready for adventure.

I can respond appropriately and support his growth. With this foundation of safety and trust, his confidence—and his world–expands. As does mine. We bring each other joy.

Zee reminds me that I, too am a biological animal; I also need to nurture and challenge myself: What do I need right now? How much is enough? How much is too much?

Am I having a “happy hut” moment, or am I ready for a new adventure?

How about you? How are you treating your animal body?

10849878_10205309687651597_7222407056410815284_n

www.vanissar.com

 

 

 

THE “SLOW DOWN” OPTION

Many of us start the new year with new resolutions and intentions. Meanwhile, social and environmental crises continue to emerge. We have ample reasons for our bodies to get “revved up.”

As we load up on too many activities, respond to a dizzying array of injustices, responses to injustices, and commentaries on those responses, our reptile brains (our fight-or-flight hind brains) inevitably become activated.

The reptile brain’s knee-jerk reactions have been essential for humans to survive as a species.

Whether in the distant past when predators leapt at us humans, or in the present when armored police throw teargas at protesters, there are times when we must act instantly to protect ourselves.

These are not times to think. These are times to duck, run, hide, fight, struggle or freeze. Whatever survival requires. If our actions are successful, we will have plenty of time to think later! Reptile brains are pragmatic that way.

Let’s celebrate the beauty and efficiency of our animal bodies, which know how to—on a dime,  without our conscious choice–freeze like a rabbit, run like a deer, fight like a rooster, blend like a chameleon, pretend-die like a possum, placate like a dog, or daydream like a child.

Such ingenious, wondrous bodies!

Yet, in a world full of trauma, oppression, and too much information processed too fast, it is easy to get stuck in constant crisis mode, where we react and “rev up” over and over again.

We may add to this by over-caffeine-ating and over-working ourselves to match the unrelenting pace. We can burn out our adrenals this way.
“Revved Up” Body; Relaxed Body
If we would rather cultivate a more sustainable, relaxed way of being, it is helpful to learn from our bodies.

First, we can notice what our bodies do when they “rev up.”

What I have noticed so far is that “revved up” is indeed “up.” The body’s energy moves up and forward, becoming extremely focused.

We can also observe specific areas of the body and notice how they change.

For example, if I observe my eyes in “revved up” mode, I notice they are tight. My field of vision narrows, and I see only what is in front of me. Or my eyes tense up and scan my surroundings. All of this is efficient for running, fighting or spotting danger.

What are your body cues that let you know that you are “revved up?”

Second, we can notice what our bodies do when they relax.

For me and many people, the energy of “relaxed” moves back and down. Slowly.

When I observe my eyes in “back and down” mode, I notice they feel softer. The gaze is restful, and I am able to take in more nuances in my environment.

What are your body cues that let you know that you are relaxed?

You might also notice that the “revved up” mode activates your body quickly.

By contrast, the “back and down” mode unfolds slowly, layer by layer. Body contractions melt gradually, like ice.

We cannot rush this process by telling ourselves, “Hurry up and calm down!!” or “Stop being so reactive!” or “Why am I still not relaxed!?!” If you find yourself thinking this way, it means you are still in “revved up” mode.
Contraction and Expansion
Another way of looking at it is that “up and forward” is contraction, while “back and down” is expansion. This holds true mentally as well as physically.

The contracted bodily state is accompanied by a contracted mental state. In this mode, nuances are lost. We think in absolutes, make snap decisions, speak without thinking, and jump to conclusions.

The expanded body is accompanied by an expansive mental state. In this mode our thinking is nuanced, creative, and receptive to options and other perspectives.

Biologically we need to access both modes: rapid, hyper-alert, energized contraction/action, and slow, reflective restfulness.

But most of us could use alot more “back and down.”

What does the movement from “revved up” to relaxed feel like?

Imagine that your body is a spiral that suddenly tightens inward and shoots upward—that is the feeling of contraction.

Now imagine that intensely alert spiral starts to uncoil and soften. This is a much slower process; we won’t experience the results right away.

Nothing about “back and down” has anything to do with “right away.”  If you feeling impatient, you are not there yet.

Most of us could use more practice at slowly, softly, unfurling, unwinding, expanding, and dropping into deep restfulness.

Restoring ourselves regularly keeps us resilient during times of intense action.

You can find some “back and down” promoting practices here

http://www.vanissar.com/blog/de-escalating-reactivity-at-work-practices-for-individuals-teams-groups/

here: http://www.vanissar.com/blog/rude-body-wisdom-2/

and here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJWAaJ75N3E

Remember, you can speak your truth and take care of yourself. Wishing everyone a restful, resourceful month.

 

A Psychology of Unlearning Racism

Hi Friends,

Inspired by the vibrant racial justice movement, recently re-vitalized by‪#‎blacklivesmatter, I have decided to make my dissertation “Towards a Psychology of Unlearning Racism: A Case Study of a Buddhist Unlearning Racism Course for White People” accessible to anyone that wants to read it.

Here it is:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/fdf209po1f8cv5f/Vanissar%27s_Dissertation.pdf?dl=0

Should be useful to any individual or group wanting to understand the psychological obstacles to white anti-racist solidarity and action, and how to work skillfully and compassionately to dissolve those obstacles.

Much love,

Vanissar

www.vanissar.com

 

SMALL GROUP SOMATIC & INTUITIVE COACHING

Small Group Somatic & Intuitive Coaching

New groups begin January 7 & 8, 2015

in Rockridge, North Oakland:

8 Wednesday nights: 7-8:30 pm
or
8 Thursday mornings: 10-11:30 am

Are you ready to befriend your body?

Receive individual coaching from Dr. Tarakali in a compassionate group setting.

Learn somatic & intuitive tools to support your personal& vocational goals.

This intimate workshop creates a chemistry of mutual support where everyone benefits from one another’s learning.

Pre-registration is required.
Limited to 5 participants.

Cost: $360 for 8 sessions.

Find out more or register at vanissar@cs.com or (510) 594-6812.

TESTIMONIALS

“I appreciate your ability to understand and intuit what people need, and to offer us ways forward…My depression has shifted, I feel happier than I have in years. When I am (about to act blindly or compulsively), I can stop now, feel my body and choose. It is freeing.” ~Dave

“I’m more engaged with myself because I have tools (knowing how things feel in my body, check ins to see what is ok or not ok with me, etc.) to move through the pain and trauma/triggers. I feel confident and stronger with myself.” ~Kotori

“What a warm and open environment. I felt safe from the very first day. The practical tools to assist me in staying aware and engaged with life have been powerful.” ~Samsarah

“This coaching series has taught me ways to be kind to my body and to decipher the messages it is trying to give to me. I am managing my health challenges much better.” ~Elena

“I love the way you hold the group process…I never feel left out or not held even when your attention is on others.” ~Ryan

“I have learned little activities that I can integrate into my daily life and be more connected to my body quickly. I feel calmer, more grounded, and like the world is bigger, more vibrant.” ~Ari

“I feel significantly more able to love and take care of my physical and emotional self. I feel more able to stay with difficult feelings. I am so excited, and I definitely want to take more of these workshops.” ~Laila

“Vanissar’s fundamental trust in the body is riveting, and so different from what I’ve practiced my whole life. I now have more options for how to be with my physical sensations/symptoms, less anxiety, and hope that I could get to a really different place in my relationship with my body.” ~Kate